hmm...

I’ve had a lot of time to think in the past couple weeks, or rather, the past few days. Over the years I’ve had a lot of almost relationships, and since coming home I’ve had a bit of time to think about them. The question I ask myself so much is “what’s wrong with me that I can’t seem to keep one person in my life?”. It’s become less and less a rhetorical question and more and more a question regarding my own feeling of self-worth. For someone as socially oriented and monogamous as I am, to repeatedly come out alone is horribly demoralizing. After a while, it starts to eat away at you – not a good thing. But recently I’ve come to the realization that almost all of these (and I mean almost) have been frivolous and only for the sake of just having a somebody. So what do I do about it?
I’ve decided for the time being I should be happy with my singleness. Maybe I should be guarding it rather than trying to get rid of it. If most of these relationships had come to fruition, I’I’ve come to the realization that maybe it’s a good thing to be too odd for most women. I’m glad I’m not the guy that every girl wants. It keeps the chances of heartbreak low, and I like it that way. I’ve vowed to only enter into a relationship if I can see a possible future, only enter into a relationship if it’s really something special. Maybe I’ll miss out on a lot if I’m choosy… but I’ll save myself a lot of trouble. So for all of you out there, consider me off limits for the time being.

so anyway, here's a... song

Everlong (acoustic) - Foo Fighters

hardships...

In the last month, I've had a lot of time to consider my life. As far as things go, I'm not in terribly good shape. First of all, I have a lot of money troubles, and a lot of grade issues. But that's not been the biggest problem, I've had that for the past two years. The worst thing for me is that I'm gradually separating from all my friends. When you're an extrovert like I am, it's a hard thing to go through. To make things worse, I've been acting like an ass this semester.. which drives people off even more. I'm not going to say it's not difficult, it is. I wish people could be patient with me, but you can't expect it.
So the question is, what am I going to do with all my problems? I guess I'm going to run away and start over. My plan is to blow this popsicle stand and go back to Syracuse. I'll go to OCC for a semester, and head off to Chicago for the next couple of years. It's all I can really think of to do right now, perhaps if I go to a new place I'll be able to turn things around.. we shall see. For now, I'm going to make the next month and a half an experience to remember.

So I really haven't posted in a long time, time gets away from me pretty easily and I really haven't had anything to write about... now I do. For those of you that know me you know that I'm from a city smack in the center of NY called Syracuse. I've always felt like I didn't belong in my home city, let alone NY. I even went to a college 9 hours away just to get away from everything I knew, I needed a change of scenery. It wasn't until I arrived at Malone that I realized something profound (at least for me). No matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to escape the influence of NY. It's part of me, it's in my blood. Even if I move out of the states I'm going to be a New Yorker through and through. I'm always going to love the Syracuse University basketball team, I'm always going to talk with a bit of a Syracuse accent. I've lived my entire life in the same house and bedroom, how is that influence going to disappear?
Well anyway, I've said about all I'm going to say so I'll leave you with this video, Jude Law and a Semester Abroad - Brand New

feeling a bit introspective...

I honestly don't like where my life is headed right now. Throughout my life I've wanted to be many things, it started off with wanting to be a fighter pilot. When I was about ten years old the only thing I wanted to do was fly an F16. But alas, my eyesight is too horrible to even dream of that.. I need 20/20 vision to even pull it off. Then I discovered music, I was watching Back to the Future... and this song came on; "the Power of Love" - Huey Lewis and the News. From that moment everything changed. I fell in love with music. Now my dream of dreams is to play on a stage in front of a screaming audience; to entertain. Since I heard those opening chords I've wanted to be in a band and tour the world. But I can't focus on that entirely, I know that very few people out of all that try ever reach that destination.
I've asked myself time and time again - what's my backup plan? What am I going to do if my dream never works out? So for three years I planned ot be a producer, to work in a recording studio. I figured if I couldn't be on stage that I could have the next best thing. Alas, that didn't work out either - I'm not cut out for that kind of life. I couldn't stand to be in the background, I've decided I have to be onstage or nowhere. So here I am, a Comm Arts - Theater major... But I'm even questioning that. Am I really going to make it? Am I settling for less again? Maybe that's all I can do for now. Despite this yearning deep in my heart of hearts to perform, to have that power to make people laugh or scream with a wave of my hand or the sound of my voice. This is where I'm headed, how I'll do it I don't know.. but I'll do it nonetheless. I'll illustrate for you the image in my head... Die Toten Hosen - Heir Kommt Alex

in honor of a truly amazing actor..

so in the last day, I've been at a serious loss as to what to write about.. but then I thought of a man - nay, not just a man, a great man. Jimmy Stewart. Now I know he's been widely recognized and is seen on national television nearly every Christmas in It's a Wonderful Life but I've decided to wax "eloquent" about him anyway.
I think my first exposure to Mr. Stewart was through It's a Wonderful Life. I'd never seen the entire movie until my senior year of high school. I'd seen bits of the beginning, and the end (from about the point where he tried to jump of the bridge) but never the entire thing. When I finally sat down and watched the entire thing I was absolutely astounded. The story spoke to me like nothing else had.
The second movie I had the pleasure of seeing was Harvey, a movie about a man with an "Imaginary" friend.. I really need to see that one again
The third and, the movie I've seen the most recently is Mr. Smith Goes to Washington... I'll let the clip do the talking... either that or look it up on IMDB.
I don't know exactly why I'm drawn to Jimmy Stewart's movies as much as I am. Perhaps it's because he seems to play the "nice guy" the guy who, despite what life throws at him, sticks to his guns and comes out on top. At least that's what I've seen from these three movies.
Anyway, that's my thoughts on that subject.. I'll leave you with Jim Carrey's impression of that great man.

Sigmund Freud.. seriously? seriously now?

We covered a bit of him in Psych this afternoon and I have come to the conclusion that he was a sex-crazed nutjob. The way Twinky (yes, that's my prof's nickname, it's on the syllabus) explained a bit of his theory was that we have three parts to our personality. The Id, the Superego, and the Ego. Our Id is like a two year old child making demands all the time, but instead of candy all it wants is sex. All the time. Our Superego is like our moral compass, its personality is kind of like an older adult. It tells our Id that it can't have what it wants. So what happens is kind of like this: *high pitched whiney voice* "I want sex! I want sex!" *lower voice* "you can't have any so if you know what's good for you you'll be quiet". Aaaand that's pretty much it in layman's terms. According to Freud that's what's going on in your subconscious. The third part of your personality is your Ego.. which is basically the conscious part of you. Your poor Ego has do deal with Id and Superego duking it out constantly. One of Twink's illustrations particularly caught my attention "Say you're hungry, you really want a chicken sandwich. Basic instinct, right? Well according to Freud you don't want a chicken sandwich at all.. you just want to get laid" Well.. that's my personal interpretation of what she said at least. There's a good chance you'll be hearing a lot more about him (and psych class for that matter) from me in the future

first blog.. ever

Fun fact.. I've never had a real blog before. I've posted a couple on my myspace before, but since I deleted my page... it doesn't exist anymore. So this will be my first (and possibly only) blog post.
I was trying to think of a theme for my blog, perhaps I'd make it one of those political blogs.. but since I'm kind of dumb when it comes to politics that was scratched. Then I wanted to do a music blog, or a video blog, but both of those didn't quite work. So I've decided to do a random stuff/music/video/rant/whatever type thing here. Basically, I'm going to put whatever the hell I want on here and hope for the best.
So anyway, I've been on kind of a music kick of late (what else) since my trip to the Rock and Roll hall of fame. The highlight of the trip was definitely getting within six inches of the bass from the cover of "London Calling" by the Clash

I think for a lot of people it wouldn't be all that exciting, but somehow I kind of had a geek out. Probably because I've absolutely loved this album cover for years, it was just cool to see a bit of history right in front of me. That album cover (at least for me) holds kind of a mythical status. On a side note, the second coolest thing I saw (and it was a very close second) was the four track tape recorder that the Beatles recorded "Sgt. Pepper's" on... excuse me while I get nostalgic.. ok I'm done. Anyway, I'm rambling, so until next time... The Clash - London Calling